Saturday, December 31, 2011

Loosely Contemplative and Concurrent Postulations on Dogma, Philosophy and Afterlife

This year of loss got me thinking.

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No raptures in sight.

Happy New Year, Everyone! More frequent posts in 2012. Let's not go crazy and throw that "resolution" word around.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Pie Chart of Iconic 8-Bit Halloween Costumes

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The ninety-degree angle of nom-nom-nom.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Or More Aptly, the Elevator- and Desert-Traveler's Faith in Humanity

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I was that kid who asked the math teacher when we'd actually have an application for parabolas.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dispatches from Fat Camp: How Thirty Women Made Me Realize I Never Want to Be Surrounded by Thirty Women

Three months back, Katie and I were invited to be guests at an Oprah-endorsed, lifestyle change and wellness spa
what the '90s used to call 'Fat Camp'for a story she was covering for her industry magazine. While the spa claimed to have deviated from its austere origins over a decade ago, the weekend was peppered with interesting reminders, and my hopeless inability to relax made me particularly attune to the ultimate quandary: "Should we be laughing at this?"

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The experience was overwhelmingly positive, despite my 72-hour blackout on knowing what was funny. It's hard to single out a joke when everybody's dressed in matching sweatsuits.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Loneliness of the Biracial Female Canadian Speller

Few events are as sacrosanct in the Dankowski Household (of One) as the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Betting on children is far more rewarding than betting on horsesI mean, have you ever seen a thoroughbred cry or faint?

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I'm mildly devastated that Laura Newcombethis year's Finola Hackett, to those in the know—placed second. And that a certain Whirlaway proprietor won my scavenger hunt-style bingo game without making it to the end of Friday's broadcast.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Municipal Corruption and Crippling Economic Depression Look Better in Two Tons of Granite

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Yes, but which statue would you most like to see made into a sequel? Somewhere, a war veteran is weeping.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Ambitiously Futile and Woefully Incomplete Attempt to Catalog Everything I've Ever Written (Beta Version)

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Sorry, my scanner cut off a good portion of my canon. Though, not as sorry as Mom probably is for trashing her 8-year-old's anthology of erotic fiction.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Dante Alighieri Joint: The Eleven Signs of Hitting Rockbottom

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Special thanks to the bar staff at Dunlays on the Square, who were able to furnish seven crayons of dubious origin to help me to finish this graph. Coincidentally, the exact seven crayons one needs to color a fiery, convincing hell.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

League of Historic Boners

Big salute to Richard for introducing me to Bangable Dudes in History this week. Oh, how Tesla makes me... coil.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Eventuality of Destiny: Entrepreneurial Stepping Stones to Taking Over the World

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Of course, my first rule to acquisitions and start-ups is to avoid railroads and utilities. They just slow the game down.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Spectrum of Intellectuality Callously Determined by How You Spend a Barnes & Noble Gift Card

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The backpack is a beautiful specimen, but disappointingly, makes me feel like I attend Whitney Young. C'mon, Blue Line, it's not like I have a Tamagotchi dangling from the zipper.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who Needs New Year's Resolutions When You Have a Piet Mondrian-Inspired Novelty Matrix?

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It seems counterintuitive, but I'm deriving a lot of freedom from having the next 350 days planned out.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Anatomy of a Christmas Tree

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Such a fine line between tacky and eclectic.