Saturday, December 11, 2010

Approximate Income Expenditures (2010)

On the outset, it would appear that I've kept up with my classmates from Fancy Private University.

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But something tells me that my contemporaries don't spend as much on cheese products that end in the letter Z, or contribute to a 401K made entirely of copper and zinc.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Casting the Biopic: What Happens When We Can't Afford to Pay Three Actors to Play My Brothers

I'm constantly considering who gets cast when my family story 'goes famous.' There's the sad realization that Heather Matarazzo might audition to star as me. Then there's the sadder revelation that we might have to hybridize my Three Brothers to cut production costs.

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I'm sure his transition from 2.5 men to 1.0 men will warrant Oscar buzz.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Escape from Red Flag Mountain

Signs that the relationship, however many weeks, went on for way too long.

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Coincidentally, my horoscope told me to "forgive that one terrible ex" today. The nomination process is simply exhausting.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Anatomy of a Phone Book: Demographics of My 213 Cellular Phone Contacts

I was in a semaphore mood. The graph:

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The highly involved key:

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I would have posted area codes if I were slightly more comfortable with the Patriot Act.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Oh, In Case I Didn't Already Mention This Excessively in My Facebook Posts

My sheep graph was published in this week's issue of The Printed Blog. Go subscribe! And tell Josh and Tyler that I sent you.

Places, Everyone: The Inevitable Holiday Seating Chart

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Objectively, I was the most-qualified orphan at Orphan Thanksgiving. I think I should bronze my leftovers or donate my GladWare to the Smithsonian. Or celebrate with a meal at the shelter.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Self-Evaluative Skill Sets: Now In Circle Form!

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Ah, the deep ambiguity between free drinks and unarguable objectification.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Drugstore Cowgirl: Because Stigma Needs an Audience

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These transactions shouldn't involve talking. Ever.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Why I Haven't Been Sleeping: Milwaukee Avenue Edition

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At least I stopped having that dream where George Washington asks for my help.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Let's Make Graph Babies

I love this man. If data is the new oil, McCandless is my new Silver.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Childhood Perception of Home Ownership vs. the Actuality of a Renter's Disposable Income

The Mansion That 10-Year-Old Terra Thought She Would Own by Age 23:

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The One-Bedroom Apartment That 25-Year-Old Terra Expects to Inhabit Until Her Neighbors Complain About the Smell of Decomposing Flesh:

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Even still, I might get my landlord to sign off on that Trophy Room annex.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Transatlantic Bingo (or, The Real Reason I'm Never Sent on Business Trips)

While I've been traipsing about the East Coast, (GF) sent Jessica, "longtime reader/sometimes stringer," on official bingo assignment to England. Not kidding. Armed with a grid boasting my cultural insensitivities, she scavenged with help from our company's London office, and by way of coffee stains.

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I bet if she didn't have to work 26 hours a day while over there, she would have scored a line. I mean, a queue. Whatever.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Spirit Animal Chart (Birth to Present)

Some are family-appointed, some are self-appointed. One is yoga instructor-appointed and one is Myers-Briggs-appointed.

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1) Eskimo, 1985.
2) Bull (in a china shop), 1986-1988.
3) Turtle (of ninja persuasion), 1988-1991.
4) Bottle-nosed dolphin, 1992.
5) Orangutan, 1993.
6) Tasmanian devil (Looney Toons kind), 1994-1995.
7) Turtle (non-ninja), 1996-1997.

8) Walrus, 1998-1999.
9) Lobster, 2000-2003.
10) Frat boy, 2004-2005.
11) Starfish wearing sunglasses, 2006.
12) Salty World War II Veteran, 2007-2008.
13) Unruly Gazelle, 2008-2009.
14) Abraham Lincoln, 2009-.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Reasons for Not Being at Work (2007-2010)

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"Kitchen fire" was almost a reason, but thankfully I'm good at replacing 9-volt batteries.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Situation-Specific Tiers of My Family Tree

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Eh, it probably should have been depicted as a burning bush.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You Shall Know Our Deliciosity

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A sort-of addendum to my Bachelorettehood Is Amazing post from yesterday. Most of these items were tested over the sink, and not on a plate, with nobody looking.

You'd Play With Yourself, Too: Summer of the Enlightented Monk

The story so far. Considerable leaps from brain atrophy to bare feet.

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Know anybody in the market for a second-tier fantasy baseball team?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

P-F-O-R-K: Everyone's a Winner

Just because I'm no longer West Lakeview's foremost Sexy Bingo caller doesn't mean I can't still scavenge at the Pitchfork Music Festival.

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Slight mea culpa in devoting two squares to vomit. No penguins this year, but there was that hunk in the hot dog costume. And that wine square was only because I spilled while making the board.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Injury Twofer: Dispatches from the Stupid, Painful Ground

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know that I just had a major bike crash (sober and my first in 14 months) on Sunday involving rocks. Pebbles lodged in my knee, specifically.

Tribute to Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. "Alright, Terra, can you show me where the pavement touched you?"

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The lightning bolt is entirely necessary. It's like blitzkrieg on my body. Also, my tits should be bigger.

Did I go to the hospital? Please refer to the flowchart.

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My smug little bike didn't suffer a nick.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Semi-Accurate Approximations of Where the Fireworks I Bought in Indiana Landed in Logan Square

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Uh, those black smudges aren't explosives residue. Just a malfunctioning pen.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm Not as Hip as You Think I Am, Part II

I like old things—aged liquors and crow's-footed dads, for instance—so why should my affinity for has-been musicians and reunion tours buck the trend?

Below I’ve plotted a single random sampling of Shows I’ve Seen (by year, indicated by the blue "^" line) alongside When the Band/Performer Had Their Breakthrough (by year, indicated by the purple "o" line). Pinpointing a band’s breakthrough is an inexact pseudoscience—especially when some of these bands haven’t hit a recognizable commercial stride. Here the term mostly applies to a band’s best selling album, best charting album or single, or the height of their critical acclaim, visibility or ubiquity. Don’t crucify me with your contentions, but respect that I finally made a graph that required some, uh, research.

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The main idea is that there’s a whack-ass disparity between when I pay to see my beloved geezers and when these geezers were first gaining relevancy. On average, I see an act 11 years after they matter. And this disease has only been getting worse—three of the four breakthrough nadirs occur on the right-hand side of the page.

Surprisingly, I’m most relevant with my hip-hop. Which is news to me? Of the five acts I’ve seen within three years of their breakthrough (yellow dotted lines), three are hip-hop acts. Insert Tracy Jordan comment on blackness here.

I'm Not as Hip as You Think I Am, Part I

One of the embarrassing and rather happenstance side effects to moving is unpacking your stuff and realizing that you're not as cool as previously surmised. For instance, one would think my DVD collection would look remarkably different based on the actors and writers and directors that I have expressed a fondness for... but no.

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It's passable, but we didn't even touch upon my smattering of Colin Firth.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A Truncated Guide to Living Single

My first week (in life) without housemates and it's far better than Kevin McAllister presupposed. Spinsterhood is teeming with freedom, ingenuity and reinvented reputation. May my uterus henceforth grow all necessary cobwebs! (OK, too far.)

Changes in Clothedness vs. Lifestyle Activities

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How to Cook Dinner When You Forget to Call For Utilities

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How to Trick People Into Thinking You're an Adult

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My next question. Hows many cats iz too many in ur apartmentz?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Profound Matters of Critical Importance Discussed Two Sundays Ago at the Whirlaway Lounge

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"Me." I'm surprised nobody said that's what Natalie Portman should be doing next.

How to Ensure a 9-Year-Old Boy Will Never Ask You to Play a Board Game Again

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This is a one-time strategy, and doesn't necessarily work with an 8-year-old.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My Brain on a One-Hour Massage

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Usually people pay to touch me. Vacation was a series of Opposite Days.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Los Angeles, I'm Yours

New, inspired posts will return on April 1. I'm in California. And maybe Mexico.

I'm doing that pioneer thing where I leave my laptop at home and pretend I'm incommunicado. This will surely backfire.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Relatively Short Existence as Measured by Turnover

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Sadly, no apple turnovers were sampled for this investigation.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Apology and Addendum

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I realize I've been neglectful, but it's been a busy couple of weeks.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Punnett Square of Oversimplified Four-Child Family Dynamics

This one's dedicated to my Middle Brother, who turns 20 today.

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He's Mom's favorite, which means he'll probably get a swank new cell phone with an upgraded text messaging plan for his birthday. I'm Dad's favorite, which was why I got a career-encouraging plane ticket to Los Angeles.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Nobody Likes Me: A Three-Year Study of the Corporate Birthday Card

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I've worked in the same department of the same company for the past three birthdays, and this year's supervisory role brings record lows in the number of people signing my card and the number of people who provide a personalized greeting (that is, some type of inside joke).

Further, the Exclamation Point Per Capita tally is at a sky-high 1.5, which is an irrefutable marker of co-worker disingenuousness and overcompensation, if not flagging morale.

In other words, my subordinates hate me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Forgive Me for "Friday's" Backdated Post

It's not typically my style to lie about (blog entry) conception, but I took a vacation to celebrate my birthday with a roast. Both kinds
—pot roast and potshots. That's showbiz! I marked off performers' mentions as the evening deteriorated.

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The scorecard wasn't a full-sheet blackout, but I sure was.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sex Week: The Truth About Dads

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The bottom line represents my age, and adjacent lines represent mainstream folklore-type ceilings for, cough, partners' ages. (When I say folklore, I clearly mean Cosmo.) There wasn't a need for me to activate the Grandfather Clause (.5n / 7). Kidding!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How a Lesser Rodent Seeks to Outmode Civic Duty and Planetary Alignment

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There was no Punxsutawney Phil on the ballot. Trust me, I checked.

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It's called an equinox, bitches.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

What I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

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The occupations and aspirations deliberately omitted from my capricious wish list (Catholic priest, professional poker player, first female in Major League Baseball) might be more troubling than the fact that I didn't entirely rule out the possibility of assuming Amelia Earhart's identity.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

How I Spent $4589.67 on Booze in a Year (Or, Providing My Stalker With the Blueprint to Buy Me a Drink Before Dismembering)

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Data is limited to Chicago bars or liquor stores visited more than once in 2009, where I paid by debit card, with the exception of the Whirlaway Lounge. My approximation for this cash-only establishment represents the minimum dollar amount I likely spent, per habitual drinking trends and local ATM receipts.

Most disturbing is that this list does not account for drinks purchased for me by old men, drinks purchased with cash, drinks purchased at music venues or festivals, drinks purchased at highly visited venues (such as Helen's Two Way Lounge or Quenchers) and the fact that I was dry for the entire month of November. The $4589.67 represents roughly 15 percent of my gross annual income.

1) Whirlaway Lounge ($1018.00)

2) Keenan O'Reilly's ($516.25)

3) Foremost Liquors ($384.27)

4) InnJoy ($256.40)

5) Silver Cloud ($158.12)

6) Small Bar ($157.70)

7) Five Star Bar ($125.00)

8) Cleo's on Armitage ($118.50)

9) Rocking Horse ($109.65)

10) The Map Room ($108.00)

11) Moneil Liquors ($104.88)

12) Streetside Bar and Grill ($102.62)
13) Chili's, River North ($92.73)

14) Polonia Liquors ($87.12)

15) Riverview Tavern ($85.00)

16) Salud Tequila Lounge ($83.50)

17) Joey's Brickhouse ($80.00)

18) Bon Song Liquors ($73.12)

19) Tuman's Restaurant ($64.50)

20) Bowman's Bar and Grill ($63.00)

21) Ginger's Ale House ($62.50)

22) Finley Dunne's Tavern ($62.00)

23) Innertown Pub ($60.00)

24) Weegee's Lounge ($55.00)

25) Handlebar ($54.86)

26) Fine Food and Liquors ($54.59)

27) Bennigan's ($53.52)

28) Piece Brewery ($45.88)
29) Delilah's ($42.50)

30) Four Treys Tavern ($42.00); Green Eye Lounge ($42.00)

32) Cullen's Bar and Grill ($40.00)

33) Houston Liquors ($32.00)

34) Dorothy's Liquors ($31.38)

35) Brando's Speakeasy ($24.00)

36) Wrigley Field ($23.75)

37) Sheffield's ($21.36)

38) Dunlay's on the Square ($17.23)

39) Boriken Food and Liquor ($15.41)

40) Logan Liquors ($12.32)

41) M&W Food and Liquors ($9.01)

A Rather Delicious Inevitable Conclusion, Part II

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The keg stand competition will be divided by age group. I can't wait to request "Spanish Bombs."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sunday's Existential Dread Spilling Over to Tuesday's Not-So-Existential TV Night

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The rules of graphing, as explained to me in graphing school: 1) Different units of measurement can surely be plotted on the same x-axis, and 2) If it's on the same piece of paper, it must be correlative.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Sunday Evening Stomach Contents

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You know that feeling elementary schoolers get, when the weekend shortchanges them and the week ahead looms interminably? That's me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Diminished Integrity of My Medical History by Doctors Visited, Age 14 to Present

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Something tells me I was better off when that person named Mom was acting as the arbiter of my emergencies. Still, I do not anticipate the Head Doctor to debut in my thirties.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Correction #1

In a December 29 post entitled "The Two-Year Diversification of Sexual Partners by Origination Venue," the editors at (GF) incorrectly attributed 2009's sexual partners to four sources: pubs, public transit, Craigslist and Twitter. In actuality, there should have been a pie sliver dedicated to The Dude I Met at the Air Sex Championships.

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We at (GF) heartily regret the error.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Smarm-o-Meter: Measuring a Smarmy Coworker's Corporate Smarm Since 2008

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I think the preamble to Megan's Law prohibits him from sending an e-mail to more than three females at a time.