Tuesday, April 14, 2015

March Madness' Non-Trademarked Cousin, March Foolishness: The Road to the Most Awful Portmanteau in America [Elite Eight Results]


There's been a string of upsets in this competition, until now. The Elite Eight saw top seeds unequivocally dominating.


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Drinkcessorize (1) continues to steamroll portmanteaux in its bid for supreme awfulness. Now, McDonald's is already terrible in so many ways: They make American taxpayers subsidize their workers because they refuse to provide a living wage; they actively market de facto obesity to lower-income, under-educated and minority audiences; they even create campaigns with an ex-MythBuster to show you their shit sandwiches aren't made from actual shit. But Drinkcessorize might be the biggest affront of them all. I can just picture Ronald McDonald arriving at the boardroom meeting, looking marginally more ridiculous than the prevailing whiteness of their corporate executive team, raising his hand or glove or flipper or whatever, saying "Steve, I have an idea," and sheepishly pulling out a slip of paper from his plastic manpurse with the word "Drinkcessorize" on it. "So that way," he says, "when some fat schlub asks for a milkshake, we counter his question with a question. Do you want whipped cream? A cherry? A chocolate drizzle? We suggest fashionable add-ons that might go with his stained T-shirt. We're giving him more freedom by upping his caloric dependence. That's 'Drinkcessorize'!" Beaming five times bigger than his painted-on mouth. Sure, P'Zone (15) is wretched, but nobody will be bothered to overanalyze the bastardization of a food that, Ben Wyatt discovered, nobody cares about.

Momtrepreneur (1) has also earned its very patronizing stripes. It can be code for, "Oh, you pushed a human from your uterus? We can't just call you an entrepreneur." Or, "You have your own cupcake company? I meant a *real* business." Or, "I'm sure you're a fascinating person but why don't you tell us more about your Pinterest page?" Freemium (6) is annoying, but momtrepreneur is cloying. As is feminazi (2). Besides being pejorative, it's terribly outdated. But it's cute or fascinating, I guess, that human smegma stain Rush Limbaugh's legacy lives on among young people experimenting with misogyny on message boards today. As if tracing a woman's quest for equal rights back to Hitler is a surefire way to be taken seriously. Mansplaining (13), whose crime is redundancy and recency more than anything else, is no match for feminazi.

And lastly, no sociologist, consumer psychologist or cultural anthropologist can tell me definitively what swapportunities (1) are. I heard it on a Yoplait commercial years ago and it became my eventual inspiration for this bracket. I'm not sure if the genesis of swapportunities starts with yogurt, but I am sure that the copywriter who came up with it is a sad, self-flagellating shell of a man who only gets his kids two weekends per month. Snowmaggedon (3) is insipid, but swapportunities
 has the gravitas to tear a family apart.

And that brings us to our Final Four.

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To decide the championship match, please cast your votes by 10 a.m. CT on Friday, April 17.