Monday, December 10, 2012

The Essential Landmark Map of Highway M-22


My summer vacation, now with key.



Row 1, left to right: 
Illinois license plate, Tennessee license plate, Wisconsin license plate, Gluth Brothers Roofing truck (not a stair-car), John 14:16 sign

Row 2, left to right: Indiana license plate, American flag-style Indiana license plate, Indiana handicapped license plate, John 3:3 sign, Texas license plate

Row 3, left to right: Missouri license plate, Creation Museum - 267 Miles sign, Michigan license plate, Michigan "GOTBRAD" license plate, Farm-Raised Rabbit Meat sign

Row 4, left to right: Truck driver with unbuckled Cockatoo passenger, Ohio license plate, Iowa license plate (with Hawkeye plate cover), Property of Give 'Em a Brake Safety sign, Felch Street - Holland, Michigan sign

Row 5, left to right: Legends Taxidermy sign, Steve Edwards - Mule Doctor sign, Maryland license plate, Kentucky license plate, Days Inn XL Boat Parking sign

Row 6, left to right: Restaurant Dancing sign on restaurant, Guy Riding Tractor - Next 4 Miles sign, Colorado license plate, North Carolina license plate/attempted murderers (ran a stop sign), Three Bears X-ing sign

Row 7, left to right: Pennsylvania license plate, Fuel & Buckcherry - Traverse City sign, 20 Mile Road - 1 Mile sign, New Jersey license plate, Minnesota license plate

Row 8, left to right: Straddle Rumblestrips sign, Rhode Island license plate and surfboard, Mr. Foisie's Pasties sign, Virginia license plate, Chevelle & Evanescence - Grand Rapids sign

Thursday, August 2, 2012

What Would Happen If Networks Other Than NBC Were Allowed to Broadcast the Summer Olympics


Some people insist they would still be awful, but I can think of a few revolutionary changes.


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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Habitual Commuter's Handy Flowchart Series: Blue Line or Stroke?


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 Or in the West Side's case, Green Line or Porta-Potty? 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

How to Tell if Your Neighborhood is Gentrifying


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Also an applicable statistic: Lululemon stores per capita.




Monday, February 20, 2012

If Presidential Nicknames Were [Widely Accepted] Sexual Positions: the Reputation Matrix



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Note, the objectionableness of Uncle Jumbo depends on whose uncle he is.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Comments Directed at People Who Play the Trombone



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My unexpected foray into white on black. Because ska is, like, all two-tone and shit.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

What Would Happen if National Parks Were Privatized and Renamed in the Style of Sports Stadiums



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Prior to this happening, I would obviously be fired from my Cabinet position as America's Panhandle Artist.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

How to Entertain Party Guests and Influence Sports Fans: a Super Bowl Bingo Game


First, have your guests fill out a 5 x 5 grid with a random assortment of numbers between 1 and 46. Don't repeat numbers. Don't forget that the center space is free, brought to you by Tom Brady's square jaw line.



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Each number chosen blindly corresponds to an item on this list. Keep copies of this list handy for guests' reference.




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Last, watch TV to confirm the frightening realism of these predictions. Whoever wins gets to take home smoked pork shoulder leftovers.