Friday, February 26, 2016

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Importance of Being Earnest: Seven Stages of Getting Ghosted


My immediate thought process when a guy stops texting back.


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"Accepting rejection" is not one of the stages.


Sunday, October 4, 2015

My Discography By Album Cover (1968-2012)



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Maybe-inspired by a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.


The Thing About 'The Series': March Madness' Non-Trademarked Cousin, March Sadness, Official Results


The thing about a series is that it drags. One or both parties stop caring. Also, the championship only brought in four votes.

MOMTREPRENEUR, by a 3-to-1 margin, is the Worst Portmanteau in America.

Unofficially, because like I said, four votes. I just wanted to put this to bed so I can give you a NEW GRAPH.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

March Madness' Non-Trademarked Cousin, March Foolishness: The Road to the Most Awful Portmanteau in America [Elite Eight Results]


There's been a string of upsets in this competition, until now. The Elite Eight saw top seeds unequivocally dominating.


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Drinkcessorize (1) continues to steamroll portmanteaux in its bid for supreme awfulness. Now, McDonald's is already terrible in so many ways: They make American taxpayers subsidize their workers because they refuse to provide a living wage; they actively market de facto obesity to lower-income, under-educated and minority audiences; they even create campaigns with an ex-MythBuster to show you their shit sandwiches aren't made from actual shit. But Drinkcessorize might be the biggest affront of them all. I can just picture Ronald McDonald arriving at the boardroom meeting, looking marginally more ridiculous than the prevailing whiteness of their corporate executive team, raising his hand or glove or flipper or whatever, saying "Steve, I have an idea," and sheepishly pulling out a slip of paper from his plastic manpurse with the word "Drinkcessorize" on it. "So that way," he says, "when some fat schlub asks for a milkshake, we counter his question with a question. Do you want whipped cream? A cherry? A chocolate drizzle? We suggest fashionable add-ons that might go with his stained T-shirt. We're giving him more freedom by upping his caloric dependence. That's 'Drinkcessorize'!" Beaming five times bigger than his painted-on mouth. Sure, P'Zone (15) is wretched, but nobody will be bothered to overanalyze the bastardization of a food that, Ben Wyatt discovered, nobody cares about.

Momtrepreneur (1) has also earned its very patronizing stripes. It can be code for, "Oh, you pushed a human from your uterus? We can't just call you an entrepreneur." Or, "You have your own cupcake company? I meant a *real* business." Or, "I'm sure you're a fascinating person but why don't you tell us more about your Pinterest page?" Freemium (6) is annoying, but momtrepreneur is cloying. As is feminazi (2). Besides being pejorative, it's terribly outdated. But it's cute or fascinating, I guess, that human smegma stain Rush Limbaugh's legacy lives on among young people experimenting with misogyny on message boards today. As if tracing a woman's quest for equal rights back to Hitler is a surefire way to be taken seriously. Mansplaining (13), whose crime is redundancy and recency more than anything else, is no match for feminazi.

And lastly, no sociologist, consumer psychologist or cultural anthropologist can tell me definitively what swapportunities (1) are. I heard it on a Yoplait commercial years ago and it became my eventual inspiration for this bracket. I'm not sure if the genesis of swapportunities starts with yogurt, but I am sure that the copywriter who came up with it is a sad, self-flagellating shell of a man who only gets his kids two weekends per month. Snowmaggedon (3) is insipid, but swapportunities
 has the gravitas to tear a family apart.

And that brings us to our Final Four.

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To decide the championship match, please cast your votes by 10 a.m. CT on Friday, April 17.


Friday, April 10, 2015

March Madness' Non-Trademarked Cousin, March Foolishness: The Road to the Most Awful Portmanteau in America [Round of 32 and Sweet 16 Results]


Since we're trailing a certain national contest of a similar name by about three weeks, I'm going to present Round of 32 results without commentary.



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Now those remaining (Sweet) 16 teams went a little something like this.




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Drinkcessorize (1) out-squirted GoGurt (12) and chronic upsetter P'Zone (15) out-baked Funfetti (14), which means McDonald's will square off against Pizza Hut in a Goliath vs. Goliath matchup to seal the Ridiculous Foods (Midwestern) Conference. The sheer offensiveness of momtrepreneur (1) has effortlessly taken it to the Elite Eight, while 
misleading sales pitch freemium (6) bests the vexing but self-contained Twitterverse (2). In the Insufferable Pop Culture (Western) Conference, nobody could have predicted that mansplaining (13) and its meme-worthy momentum would knock off top-seeded affluenza (1). At no surprise, feminazi (2) crushed Brangelina (11) with the highest point margin, as people realized that, sure, celebrity couple portmanteux are annoying, but at least those two, you know, donate their money to charity and stuff. Swapportunities (1) finally dismissed the on-a-lark Metsmerized (12) and snowmaggedon (3) just squeaked by Spanglish (2).

Which gives us our Elite Eight.


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To vote in the Elite Eight, please fill out this survey by 10 a.m. CT on Monday, April 13.



Monday, March 30, 2015

March Madness' Non-Trademarked Cousin, March Foolishness: The Road to The Most Awful Portmanteau in America [Round of 64]


As March Madness chugs along and the NCAA exploits its unpaid workforce (don’t worry—I filled out a bracket too), we’re meanwhile trying to determine the Most Awful Portmanteau in America. We’ve seeded a list of the most ridiculous, insufferable, terrible, horrible, contrived compound words, and opened it up to your scrutiny. Here are the results for our Round of 64. 
If you’d like to vote in our Round of 32, click here to fill out your picks by 10 a.m. CT on April 2.


Ridiculous Foods (Midwestern) Conference

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Conference Highlights: In what is being billed the “handheld refreshment upset of the decade,” GoGurt (12) took an early lead over Frappuccino (5) and never let go. McDonald’s stalwart, Drinkcessorize (1), proved reliably more annoying than pregnant ladies’ stalwart, mocktail (16). In the Thanksgiving centerpiece matchup, Tofurky (4), the ostentatious vegan doorstop, crushed the noble ambitions of turkducken (13). And brunch (3), the portmanteau that essentially started it all (this trend of bastardizing culinary nomenclature to spawn corporate Franken-foods), was surprisingly no match for Funfetti (14).



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To vote for or against the above contenders, click here.

Insufferable Pop Culture (Western) Conference


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Conference Highlights:
 No shock that the widest margins of victory point to the abject awfulness of affluenza (1), a word defense attorneys use when wealthy white males murder their families, and feminazi (2), a word maladjusted white males on 4chan use to describe any woman who leaves the kitchen without their permission. Mansplaining (13) narrowly eclipsed manscaping (4) and Brangelina (11) gave the boot to bootylicious (6).

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To vote for or against the above contenders, click here.
Terrible Business Jargon (Eastern) Conference
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Conference Highlights: The ultra-demeaning momtrepreneur (1) expunged the likes of Pintervention (16). In a match that looked closer than it appeared, digerati (3) defeated staycation (14)—maybe because the digerati thinks they’re half-Illuminati instead of half-literati, or maybe because they’re the ones who invented concepts like staycation to show how important they are. Freemium (6), one of the stupidest expressions ever invented by your cable company, advances to the next round. As does vlog (7), one of the most pretentious ways to answer your aunt’s question, “What do you do for a living?”



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To vote for or against the above contenders, click here.

Miscellaneously Horrible (Southern) Conference

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Conference Highlights:
 Despite a cult fan following, guesstimate (16) could not furnish the necessary votes to take down swapportunities (1), the nonsensical top seed of murky origin. In the size-specific exaggeration classic, snowmaggedon (3) eliminates ginormous (14), and in the New York sports-specific phenomena classic, Metsmerized (12) proves less of a crowd-pleaser than Linsanity (5). Infomercial (8), backed by the likes of Ron Popeil and Billy Mays, rounds out the conference with big win over mockumentary (9), backed by the fans of Christopher Guest movies.


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To vote for or against the above contenders, click here.

Remember, Round of 32 votes must be cast by 10 a.m. CT on April 2.


Monday, September 30, 2013

Murphy's Law of Wardrobe Malfunction





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"Am I right, ladies?"



Wednesday, March 20, 2013

How Intuition Kicks in at Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives


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A scientific model for the more-questionable establishments.

Thanks for the snappy title, Guy. I know you've been having a rough go of it lately.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Earmarks of Descent Into (Stupid, Unavoidable) Adulthood


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"Boxed wine" in this instance refers primarily to Franzia, and does not implicate a quality box.